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Disclaimer: As a humor columnist, I am required
by law to favorably compare myself to Dave Barry on at least one
page of my Web site. If you have visited the sites of other humor
columnists, you will know this is true. We do not make the comparison
ourselves, of course, that would be vulgar, but if a reader or a
book reviewer says it, we repeat it faster than Dave Barry's dog
can fart.
I personally would never make these claims
myself, but I refuse to argue with Ms. McCarty above, because that
would be rude, and if mom taught me anything, it was manners. I
will say in my defense, though, that what I lack in Dave's facility
with booger jokes, I make up for in drunken fruit fly jokes.
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I know that in these days of flat or shrinking
subscriptions and circulation numbers, editors looking into devoting
precious space and budget to a humor column have to ask themselves
several questions:
Q. Why can't Dave Barry still write
a column?
Q. How much does this Waters guy's column
cost?
A. The Waters column is affordable, since
it is based on your circulation or Web traffic.
Q. Is our children learning?
Q. Is this Waters column within my budget?
A. Yes already! Contact
me for rates.
Some of my recent column topics include
such reader-pleasing subjects as:
- How the IRS is making tax filing easier this
year by allowing you to pay directly through the nose
- Why peeing on your house, or getting a coyote
to do it, is not as effective at scaring skunks away as you have
been told
- A parent birthday quiz: The energy released
by 20 five-year-old kids at a birthday party is roughly equivalent
to: a) 1000 underfed tigers, b) a three-megaton nuclear device,
c) a family of ferrets trapped in a VW bug after a two-week Red
Bull drinking binge, or d) I don't know, my memory is blank from
the moment they all rushed the piñata.
People need a laugh in times like these, and
they count on you to bag it, strap it to your hood and mount it
in your living/lifestyle/weekend/ entertainment/features section.
Weekly or monthly rates are available, so
email
here to find out how easy it is to bring
this soothing relief to your readers. Or, if you would like to post
my columns on your Web site, please let
me know. |
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