George Waters
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A reader is overly generous with praise
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Disclaimer: As a humor columnist, I am required by law to favorably compare myself to Dave Barry on at least one page of my Web site. If you have visited the sites of other humor columnists, you will know this is true. We do not make the comparison ourselves, of course, that would be vulgar, but if a reader or a book reviewer says it, we repeat it faster than Dave Barry's dog can fart.

I personally would never make these claims myself, but I refuse to argue with Ms. McCarty above, because that would be rude, and if mom taught me anything, it was manners. I will say in my defense, though, that what I lack in Dave's facility with booger jokes, I make up for in drunken fruit fly jokes.

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I know that in these days of flat or shrinking subscriptions and circulation numbers, editors looking into devoting precious space and budget to a humor column have to ask themselves several questions:

Q. Why can't Dave Barry still write a column?

Q. How much does this Waters guy's column cost?
A. The Waters column is affordable, since it is based on your circulation or Web traffic.

Q. Is our children learning?

Q. Is this Waters column within my budget?
A. Yes already! Contact me for rates.

Some of my recent column topics include such reader-pleasing subjects as:

  • How the IRS is making tax filing easier this year by allowing you to pay directly through the nose
  • Why peeing on your house, or getting a coyote to do it, is not as effective at scaring skunks away as you have been told
  • A parent birthday quiz: The energy released by 20 five-year-old kids at a birthday party is roughly equivalent to: a) 1000 underfed tigers, b) a three-megaton nuclear device, c) a family of ferrets trapped in a VW bug after a two-week Red Bull drinking binge, or d) I don't know, my memory is blank from the moment they all rushed the piñata.

People need a laugh in times like these, and they count on you to bag it, strap it to your hood and mount it in your living/lifestyle/weekend/ entertainment/features section.

Weekly or monthly rates are available, so email here to find out how easy it is to bring this soothing relief to your readers. Or, if you would like to post my columns on your Web site, please let me know.
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